I’m Fine. It’s Fine. Everything’s… Fine? Emotional Labor in Admin Life

Debra Coleman [00:00:12]:

Well, hello you, and welcome back to another mini cast episode of Have a Seat, conversations with women in the workplace podcast. I am your host, Deb Coleman. Welcome back. Come into my virtual living room. Have a seat with me. Yes. It is me again. I know there's been a lot of mini cast lately, and I don't know whether to apologize for that or just sort of go with it.

Debra Coleman [00:00:34]:

But you know me, I love love adore. And the whole reason why I started the show is to sit down with my guests and to share their wisdom and knowledge and experience with you. But I also enjoy doing this just equally as much. It's like one a and one b. Right? Grabbing the microphone and having this little one on one with you. And it's typically topics that have just, again, floated by my day. I've had conversations with people or something I personally experienced, and that is exactly the topic for this week's episode. We are going to get a little real like we don't already.

Debra Coleman [00:01:12]:

Right? We're going to continue the get real tradition, I should say. Get a little reflective and honestly, yeah, a little personal too. That's also what I've been noticing a trend with me lately is that I've been getting, like, peeling away some of those layers with you a little bit more and sharing a little bit more with you about what's going on with me. And it's it's wonderful. I love it. I hope it doesn't bore you to tears, but sometimes there's, like, you know, misery loves company, so to speak. There's power in numbers. So, but you know, that's what Have a Seat is about primarily.

Debra Coleman [00:01:45]:

It's about transparency, honesty, and that sense of and fostering, I should say, that sense of community. So I am no exception to that. So I absolutely love to peel those layers away from my guests to get you to see a little bit more of them. And I want to also join in in that effort. So that's what I've noticed I've been doing a little bit more of in these solo episodes. So I hope you've enjoyed it. I certainly have on this side of the microphone. But, okay.

Debra Coleman [00:02:11]:

So to get into this week's topic, we let me just peel the Band Aid off. Here's the thing, friend. We talk a lot about tasks and tools and productivity in the admin world. Like, it is fantastic, the conversations and the amount of resources and content that is out there for productivity. But we don't always talk about the emotional toll this work can take, the kind of labor you can't log into a spreadsheet or put into a PowerPoint. It's the quiet internal internal effort of keeping your cool, keeping others calm, and holding space for everyone all while juggling your actual job. Yes, friends. I'm talking about emotional labor labor, and that's what I wanna talk about today.

Debra Coleman [00:03:00]:

I did not even know those two words existed together until I recently read an article that really inspired this episode because I myself recently, I feel, again, you who have much more experience in this area than I, if you happen to be listening, will know would know. But I really think I went through a period of burnout, in late April. And, then I read this article and everything just sorta clicks. And then you know me, I grabbed the microphone, and here we are. So, this is sort of what this article, really focused on emotional labor. It was focusing on emotional labor specifically in higher education. I subscribe to a higher education, e newsletter, and they have, oftentimes just brilliant articles, and this was one. And it really focused on emotional labor in higher education across all lines, like faculty, staff, administrators.

Debra Coleman [00:03:56]:

But when I read it, let me tell you, it was like someone held a mirror up to everything I was feeling but didn't really have words for. The pressure to appear composed when you're overwhelmed. The emotional exhaustion of being the first person someone turns to in a crisis and the expectation to always be on, quote, unquote, even when your tank is running on empty. That's the that last sentence was me. Absolutely me. Absolutely me. The expectation to always be on even when my tank was running on empty, but I was not going to admit that. Right? Oh, low.

Debra Coleman [00:04:33]:

The the the other side of being in an admin role. Right? I wonder if any of that sounds familiar to you too. So if you are an AA, an EA, or even a PA, or working in any kind of supportive role, I'm sure you already know this and are very familiar. You've probably lived it maybe just this week yourself. So in today's episode, I want to quickly just unpack what emotional labor really looks like in our world, how it shows up, what it costs us, and most importantly, what we might be able to do better to care for ourselves while we're out here carrying for everyone else. This won't be a heavy lecture. It's just a real honest conversation between us. And, you know, that's how that's my vibe here.

Debra Coleman [00:05:20]:

That's my jam. I I feel like we're sitting in a diner. We ordered up some coffee and some yummy breakfast or a really sloppy lunch, and we're just sort of chatting and catching up and having this conversation. That's absolutely the the intention of this episode, really, of all my minicasts. So with that being said, grab your coffee, your tea, or whatever you need to recharge, and let's talk about the unseen or, like, unspoken work we carry and how we can start to put some of it down. Let's not keep carrying it, friends. Let's put some of it down. So let's start with what is emotional labor.

Debra Coleman [00:05:56]:

Like, what do I mean by that? Well, you know what's tricky about the term emotional labor. It's kind of it's kind of like air. It's invisible, but it's everywhere. That's kind of my definition of emotional labor. It's not always the big stuff. Sometimes it's that moment you smile and say, no problem at all. I got you. When internally, you're very much like, actually, yes.

Debra Coleman [00:06:19]:

This is a problem. Right? What you're externally saying versus what you're internally feeling. Emotional labor to me is the effort it takes to manage our emotions and the emotions of others, especially when the two are completely out of sync. It's staying calm when someone else is spiraling. It's being cheerful and helpful when you are running on fumes, and it's deescalating a situation you didn't cause, but now you're responsible for fixing. And for us admin professionals, this kind of these kinds of scenarios, show up constantly, constantly, constantly. Because we are the tone setters, the energy managers, the ones who can read a room before the meeting even starts, and already know who needs caffeine, who needs a gentle nudge, and who just needs to be left alone with their spreadsheet and their feelings. Right? That that burden falls on us sometimes.

Debra Coleman [00:07:19]:

The author of the article I read, doctor Alicia Grandy, who whose article, again, inspired this episode, talked about how emotional labor shows up in higher education, but her insights couldn't be more true for all of us in whatever our sector and whatever our job role in terms of being the support staff. She mentioned things like the pressure to stay composed when overwhelmed or the emotional weight of supporting others in crisis while also trying to maintain our own professionalism. So let me say that again, supporting others in crisis while maintaining our own professionalism. That's it. That's the crux here. It's more of like it to me, that sounds like a double shift. It's not in the job description. It's not on in on any onboarding manual or inside any onboarding manual or standard operating procedure manual.

Debra Coleman [00:08:14]:

Right? But it's absolutely a part of the work we do. And the thing is we do it so often, we barely notice it anymore. I didn't. It totally crept up on me. But our bodies notice. Right? And our brains absolutely notice. Mine did. It was sending all sorts of red flags, but I just chose to ignore them or fluff them away.

Debra Coleman [00:08:36]:

It's that little voice inside that says, hey. Hey, friend. I am so tired, but I'm not sure why that voice notices. And because I wasn't sure why, I then fluffed it off. I then left it alone. I then didn't address it, and it backed up on me. It absolutely showed up again roaring through like a bull in a china shop. Right? So in this first segment, I just want to name it because we really need to we need to understand it and name it.

Debra Coleman [00:09:08]:

Emotional labor is real. It's valid. And if you're feeling the weight of it, you're not weak. You're human. A very capable, very resilient human who's doing a whole lot more than anyone may realize. So now that we've named emotional labor, let's talk about how it actually shows up for us in the admin seat because, oh, friend, it does. It shows up all the time. Right? So let's start with the obvious.

Debra Coleman [00:09:38]:

We are the first line of emotional energy in most workplaces. Someone walks into the office with that I've just had it energy, guess who they talk to first? Someone's confused, frustrated, or trying not to cry in a Zoom meeting? Guess who quietly keeps the conversation on track, takes notes, and sends a follow-up with Grace? Yeah. That would be us. Here's the kicker. A lot of the emotional labor we perform looks like basic competency to others. They don't see that you just talked a coworker down from a panic spiral and reschedule two meetings and answered a passive aggressive email with kindness all before 10AM. They see you being helpful, calm, the glue of the office. And, yes, we are all of those things, honestly.

Debra Coleman [00:10:26]:

But the emotional effort behind that glue, it's real. Here are just a few common ways, that labor can show up for us. Buffering difficult conversations for one. How many times have you softened a message, rewritten an email, or even more importantly, taken the hit to protect someone else's tone? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Head should be shaking on that one. Reading the room. You know, that's my favorite saying.

Debra Coleman [00:10:52]:

Read the room, friends. Right? And adjusting yourself accordingly. That whole, if the exec's in a mood, everyone else tenses up vibe. Yeah. We feel it first and recognize it first. Managing all that chaos with a smile. When the schedule blows up, the event is on fire, or someone missed their flight, who stays cool and handles it? You do. And who many times is the first one to receive that blow? Who is the first one to quote be the punching bag or to be the one that someone turns to and just unleashes? Oftentimes, it's us that get that first, like, negative energy flow.

Debra Coleman [00:11:31]:

Like, I missed my flight. Damn it. Or, oh my god. The caterer is late. Fix it. You know? Those kinds of emotions. That's the labor. That's the emotional labor I'm talking about.

Debra Coleman [00:11:42]:

Or being the unspoken emotional support person. Need to vent? Need to cry? Need to scream silently into your coffee? Yep. People come to us because we're oftentimes that safe space. We're that safe zone. I can't tell many times I if I had a nickel for all the times back when I was in office and I was lucky enough and not even lucky enough, really. But the times that I had a space that was maybe off to the side or I had my own office, how many times my teammates would come in and even executives shut the door, sit down, and just unleash. Not like in a meet not that they were, like, unleashing on me. Like, they weren't mad at me.

Debra Coleman [00:12:21]:

They just needed a safe space to just like, Deb, I just need to tell you what just happened, or I just need somebody to listen for a second. I can't believe what just happened, or they just needed to they just needed. Right? So and I was so I and I continue to be so, like, willing to be there. I love being that safe space for people because especially in back in office, it's it's really important that somebody has someone they can turn to. But here's my thing, who then do we have to turn to, or where do we then unload? You know? So it's it's like that funny, you know, kind of thing that's out there. Not funny. Sorry. But when you see, like, a drama on TV or the movies, and you see the psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist taking on all of that, but then who do they now go to? Because now they need somebody to do that with or for.

Debra Coleman [00:13:09]:

So anyhoo, if you're in higher education or any larger organization, here's an additional layer for you because you know higher ed. You're my people. Right? Supporting teams of people in different roles with very different emotional needs. That's another way. Like, we're talking students, faculty, community partners, executives. So switching gears emotionally all day like that, dealing with those different partners, those different stakeholders, friends, it's exhausting because I guarantee you are not speaking the same way with students as you would to faculty, as you would to administrators, as you would to community partners or alumni or donors. Right? You in our roles, we have to constantly switch. We're constantly switching all day long.

Debra Coleman [00:13:57]:

And if you don't think that's exhausting, then you can hit stop and then and and not listen any further. Then you're not getting it. You're not getting what I'm telling you. That is. It is completely exhausting. So let's be honest. This kind of labor is often also very gendered. It's expected more from women, from admin professionals, from people who are naturally good at staying composed, at least on the outside.

Debra Coleman [00:14:22]:

Right? And let me just add this additional pressure. If that if all that wasn't pressure enough, here's another one to throw at you. If you are in any way a woman of color, multiply that emotional labor weight by tenfold. You can just multiply that emotional labor by tenfold. Because not only are we managing the job, but we're also navigating additional layers of bias and expectation. Friends, if I don't get an amen and hallelujah after that, I don't even know. Right? It's so true. So if you've ever ended a day and thought, my gosh.

Debra Coleman [00:15:00]:

Why am I this drained when I didn't even do that much, quote, work today? I've thought I've thought that, honestly. Like, okay. My work, like, the tactical work was a little on the lighter side today, but why do I feel so drained? Oh my god. Trust me, friend. You did. Because emotional labor is work. It may be invisible to others, but it's very, very real to us. Alright.

Debra Coleman [00:15:24]:

So in the next segment, we're going to talk about what that toll can actually look like and why it matters that we start paying attention to it. Okay. So we've named emotional labor, and we've walked through how it shows up in our day to day as admin professionals. Now let's talk about what it does to us over time because, honestly, it does add up. Let me start by saying this, though. If you've ever felt drained at the end of the day, like, not just tired, but wiped in a way that's hard to explain, that's not just in your head. That's emotional labor doing its thing behind the scenes like I mentioned before. And here's the tough part.

Debra Coleman [00:16:00]:

Because our work looks invisible and even effortless to others, the impact it has on us can be easy to ignore, like I did. I completely ignored it until it starts to really wear us down, and that's what it did to me. Absolutely. So let's call out some of those effects. Burnout. We were very familiar with these words. Oh my gosh. Burnout, honestly, hey.

Debra Coleman [00:16:23]:

HR people, if you're listening, can you maybe build burnout into the job description? Because it's just there. It is real. It's that slow creep exhaustion where you can't remember the last time you felt energized by your work. You're showing up. You're doing all the things, but your battery's been blinking red for weeks. That's me. I am literally holding up my hand. That is me.

Debra Coleman [00:16:47]:

How about compassion fatigue? When you're so used to holding space for other people that you start to feel emotionally numb, like you're tapped out and there's nothing left to give. Yes. Yes. A hundred a % me. Absolutely was feeling that for sure. I think that was probably the first thing I was feeling. How about frustration and resentment? When you're keeping everything running, doing the invisible work, and no one seems to notice or say thank you, you're over it, and rightfully so. Rightfully so, my friend.

Debra Coleman [00:17:20]:

I yeah. Disconnection from your work or your team, yes, can completely relate to this one. Right? You go from being the go to person to just going through the motions because it feels like no one really gets what you're carrying or cares. So I'm just gonna disconnect. I don't really care. I don't care whose birthday it is. I don't care what we're celebrating. I don't really wanna go to a town hall.

Debra Coleman [00:17:43]:

I don't feel like I don't feel like I don't feel like disconnection. Absolutely have been there before. And even physical physical exhaustion. I mean, because the mind body connection is real, my friend. Headaches, tension, poor sleep, poor diets, poor poor poor eating choices. Right? There was a drive through there is not a drive through within five miles of my house that, like, I have not, gone through and explored. Emotional labor can absolutely show up in our body and the choices we make in terms of how we care for our body. But here's the kicker.

Debra Coleman [00:18:18]:

Because this labor is, is is is well, it's it's constantly I'm trying to, like, frame this. Okay. We're constantly monitoring our emotions. We're managing other people's stress and staying calm under pressure. That takes energy and that takes work. That's what I'm trying to say. That's it does take work. It does take energy.

Debra Coleman [00:18:43]:

So if you felt yourself snapping more easily or zoning out during the day or dreading emails that start with, hey. Quick thing, that might be your internal warning light saying, hey. Hey. This is too much. Don't ignore those. Don't ignore those. I think that's what I was that's that's what I was trying to get at is is all those things I I mentioned, all those frustrations and disconnections and physical exhaustions, don't slough those off because I did. I did.

Debra Coleman [00:19:12]:

And it definitely came back at me. So if you're feeling all of those things, it's okay. It doesn't mean you're bad at your job or not strong enough. Right? Because I know that's what we think sometimes. That is not what it means. It means you're human. I don't know if you got the memo, but it it means you're human. You're a human being doing work that was never meant to be carried all alone.

Debra Coleman [00:19:38]:

Yes. Our role may be a bit more siloed. Yes. We have, you know, our role, our responsibilities, but that doesn't mean we have to continue and experience all these things by ourselves. So now that we've named it and seen the toll it can take, right, let's get into the good stuff. Let's get into some real strategies that can help lighten the emotional load even just a little. So let's see. I guess I don't I'm trying not to sound like all hall like a Hallmark movie.

Debra Coleman [00:20:10]:

Like, oh, now we're just gonna wave a magic wand over the problem. That's not it. I know it's a process, and it shows up differently for everybody. But it can be a little a little more empowering because while we can't always change the expectations around us, we can start to change how we carry them. So this isn't about fixing everything overnight or suddenly becoming unbothered by stress. Right? Like, oh, suddenly that there's that magic wand I was talking about. Right? It's about small intentional ways to protect our energy and remind ourselves that our feelings matter too. Others' feelings matter, absolutely, but ours do too.

Debra Coleman [00:20:50]:

And I think we forget that sometimes or we tend to just put them at the bottom of the list. But here are a few things we can do to keep our emotional toolkit strong. Name it. Sometimes just being able to say, wow. I am seriously carrying a lot of emotional labor right now. That acknowledgment alone can be incredibly powerful. It was for me. It wasn't until I actually named it.

Debra Coleman [00:21:14]:

I said, holy cow. I think I think I'm going through a period of burnout right now. As soon as I named it and acknowledged it for myself, boom. That was, like, 50% of that just lightened up for me. I gave it a language. Give it a language. It helps you separate you from the swirl of feelings and let you step back for a clearer view by naming it. Absolutely.

Debra Coleman [00:21:38]:

Set boundaries when you can. This doesn't mean becoming cold or unavailable. I know sometimes when I hear those words set boundaries, that's sort of my knee jerk. Like, oh my god. Like, no. No. That's not me. You know? But no.

Debra Coleman [00:21:50]:

So it's not becoming cold or unavailable. It really means just knowing when you've reached your limit and giving yourself permission to say no. And it might sound like things like, I'd love to help, but actually I need to finish this first. Or can we maybe circle back on that tomorrow when I have a bit more bandwidth? I've actually used that one and it works and it's brilliant. And 10 out of 10, the person I've said that to is completely understanding because you know what? Low key, they probably are feeling the same way. Little boundaries, friends. Little boundaries like that can add up to big energy savings. Hey.

Debra Coleman [00:22:26]:

Find your people. There is nothing like being seen by someone who gets it, whether it's another admin professional, a trusted colleague, or a group of chat or group chat of your favorite office besties. Right? Lean on the people who validate you and don't expect you to be fine or on all the time. And if you don't have that circle yet, start building one. Maybe build an admin group at work, maybe build a group on LinkedIn, or reach out to fellow admins on LinkedIn. Or the next time you're in that webinar or you attend that conference, exchange information with somebody who maybe kinda gets it. Maybe they're another higher ed professional or another professional in tech startups or another professional who works in nonprofits. Like, maybe, you know, connect with them and maybe start I've done that before.

Debra Coleman [00:23:12]:

Absolutely. I formed a little low key admin professional admin group on the side, and we and we chatted. We had our own little Zoom, and we met, like, every month, and we just sort of chatted and kept up with each other and supported each other. So find those kindred admin spirits. We're out there, and we get it. So find us. We're there. Make space for you.

Debra Coleman [00:23:32]:

I think that is so important. This doesn't have to be a bubble bath and spa music. Though, if that's your jam, definitely do it for sure. It can be ten minutes of silence maybe after work. Maybe it is that drive home if you're working back in office, that drive to work or that drive home. I did that a lot where I just drove with the radio off, and I just enjoyed the silence. Like, the car the sound of the car on the road or roll the windows down and just the sound of the air filtering through the car. Just just that alone was enough to recharge me.

Debra Coleman [00:24:04]:

Or maybe it's a lunchtime walk without your phone. Or maybe it's turning off Teams or Google Meet for an hour while you eat without answering any emails. Like, turn off notifications while you're eating lunch at your desk. Right? Because emotional labor takes a toll. So recovery time isn't optional. It's essential. And lastly, track the moments that matter. This is so important, and this is something that I do too.

Debra Coleman [00:24:30]:

When someone does notice your effort, they write you a thank you email or send you a card or compliments how you handle the situation, save that shit, friends. Save it. Seriously. Start a little, hey, you did that folder. Even if it's electronic, like, even if it's digital, save it. On the hard days, it's this can be a really beautiful reminder that your invisible work is seen even if not by everyone. But those who notice acknowledged it, and that can be a really nice pick me up. Believe me, I've started those, and they really do.

Debra Coleman [00:25:01]:

I sometimes will have, like, thank you notes or thank you cards. I'll keep them for a while and I'll leave them up on my bulletin board or right here on my desk at home. And I'll just leave them up for a while because it's a really nice reminder. It really is. So and finally, my last tip, really, just you're allowed to feel what you feel. It's as simple as that. You're allowed to feel what you feel. You don't have to be composed 100% of the time.

Debra Coleman [00:25:26]:

You don't have to be the steady one, the cheerful one, the office therapist every single day. You can be a little messy. I'm giving you permission. Be messy. You can be human. Be human. And you can still be amazing at your job. So you can be messy and human and still be that, like, top top notch admin professional.

Debra Coleman [00:25:49]:

Alright? Okay. I think that message, I hope, is getting through. Let's wrap this up with something I've been holding on to and something that, I wanna share with you from the heart. So, anyway wow. Okay. I'm just I just gotta say it. It's a little tough, but I'm just gonna say it. I know this episode was a little deeper, a little heavier, but it was also necessary, because emotional labor the emotional labor we carry as admin professionals, as women in the workplace, quite honestly, isn't just real.

Debra Coleman [00:26:22]:

It's real important to talk about. Right? It's not just acknowledging it, but we also need to have space and courage to talk about it as well. And that's kind of why I did this episode because I'm hoping to start those conversations or to give you permission to start those conversations. So if today's episode helped you feel seen or just a little more validated, then I am so glad we had this moment together. Because, again, gentle reminder, you are not alone in this work. You are not weak for being tired, and you are not invisible. So whether you're the go to support person or you're behind the scenes fixer or the one everyone counts on to hold it together, your energy, your heart, and your emotional presence, my friend, they matter. They do.

Debra Coleman [00:27:08]:

Now before I go, I want to share something that's been on my mind additionally and on my heart just as much as this topic has. Here it goes. After five incredible years of conversations, laughter, learning, and a whole lot of real talk, I have made the difficult decision to sunset the Have a Seat podcast. I have made the decision to sunset this very podcast this June this June 2025. I'll be sharing more in a special farewell episode when the time comes, but I didn't want to just spring it on you. I I I you deserve better than that, and I wanted to communicate this to you weeks before. I know some of my favorite podcasters who have done the same, who have ended their podcast, gave us that grace and space as listeners, and I just love that idea. So that's I'm trying to pay that forward.

Debra Coleman [00:28:05]:

You because honestly, my friend, you have been on this journey with me and you deserve to hear it with the same honesty that's always been at the center of this show. So this isn't goodbye, not yet, but it is the beginning of a beautiful wrap up. And if you've been a listener for a while, if this show has kept you company during your commute or work day or even those late night brainstorming sessions, just know this, you've helped build something truly special, and I am beyond grateful, beyond grateful for all those listens and all those plays and all those feedback and all the feedback that you shared with me throughout the these past five years. It has been incredible. I words fail me, honestly. So I'll leave it there. So until next time, take care of your heart, take care of your energy, and all that invisible labor you carry. And remember, you don't have to do it all to you don't have to do it all to be enough.

Debra Coleman [00:29:05]:

Okay? Because you are enough. And, as always, as always, my friend, stay safe, be well, and remember, keep having those conversations. So we will we will get into more about my about sunsetting haphazarde in future episodes, but just know that I am forever grateful for your listenership. Alright, my friends. Take care. Have a beautiful week ahead and until next time.