Navigating Tough Talks: What I’ve Learned (and Am Still Learning) About Workplace Communication

Debra Coleman [00:00:10]:
Well, hello. Hello. And welcome back to another episode of Have a Seat, conversations with women in the workplace podcast. I am your host, Deb Coleman. Thank you for joining me this week. Yes. Yes. This is another mini cast.

Debra Coleman [00:00:24]:
This is if you're not familiar with my term mini cast, this is, in other words, a solo episode where I steal the mic microphone away from my beautiful guests, and I do just this. I have a brief conversation just between you and me on a topic or a situation or a challenge that I've read about or experienced firsthand, and I wanted to just kinda hop on the mic and share it with you to see if maybe you can relate or maybe just add some additional context to the way you've been feeling lately or something that you've recently experienced. So welcome. Welcome to Have a Seat, conversations with women in the workplace. So let's get to it. This is a solo episode, and it is March. It is March already. Wow, guys.

Debra Coleman [00:01:10]:
I can't believe it. It's crazy. 2025, I see you, but, wow. Let's pump the brakes. Just two seconds because I don't you know, I'm I'm enjoying 2025, I mean, somewhat so far, so I don't wanna see it end too quickly. But, anyway, I hope that your March, as of the date of this recording anyway, has started out what's it saying? In like a lion out like a lamb, I think, is what is is what, like, March and April are kind of described as or March is described as anyway. So but I'm gonna put a twist on that and say, I hope you are beginning March like a lion and that you will end it like a lion. Right? I am woman.

Debra Coleman [00:01:47]:
Hear me roar kind of thing. Right? Let's let's flex those muscles and, show people who they're messing with a little bit. Right? And you're, of course, in your own beautiful way, but I hope you start the month strong and end strong or even stronger. So with that being said, I would like to talk about quickly talk about a topic that has really kind of swirled around for me these past couple of weeks, and I feel like, you know what? Maybe I should grab the microphone and share some thoughts on it and see what y'all think. So I'd like to talk a little bit about communication. Now I know. I know. I know.

Debra Coleman [00:02:23]:
Wait. Wait. Wait. Don't hit pause. Don't turn off. Hey. You guys know, as a podcaster and someone who loves to communicate, this is, like, my number one topic of all of all time. I love and adore to talk about communication.

Debra Coleman [00:02:36]:
And no. Just be not just because I'm a chatty Cathy. Hello. Thank you, haters. No. I'm kidding. All said with love, you know? I, hey, I openly admit it. I can be chatty at times, but, lately these last couple weeks, my lack of communication for lack, for lack of a better word has bitten me in the ass.

Debra Coleman [00:02:56]:
I'm just gonna tell, I'm just gonna tell you to you straight. I have been a victim of my own advice. Like I have not been taking my own advice and it's been really driving me nutso that, you know, I own it. I recognize that, but I thought, you know what? Take it a step further. Grab the microphone and own it own it with your listeners. I have not been taking my own advice, so I thought I would just sort of share with you what I've been experiencing. And maybe this will relate. Maybe this will hit home for you.

Debra Coleman [00:03:21]:
But I just want to be authentic and transparent as I always promise. And you know what? This is one of those times. Life isn't isn't isn't perfect and we are messy. Right? As someone said, we someone told me once we always have, like, yellow construction tape around us. Like, we're always a work in progress. And I absolutely totally 100% subscribed to that as well. So this is me being vulnerable to you and sharing with you some of my missteps in communication. First incident came with, project planning.

Debra Coleman [00:03:52]:
I was I was involved recently. Of course, what I mean by communicating in the workplace let me just by preface that and sort of set the stage. I have no initials after my last name, so I cannot advise, with any real authority on how to communicate outside of work. So all these conversations, please know, absolutely are centered around workplace challenges, not personal challenges. But if any of you are communication pros, like, personally or you do have some letters after your last name, I would welcome the opportunity to bring you on a show to dive any further on that side of the house. But, for the sake of this very quick conversation, I'm just talking about workplace. So, I was invited to participate, in a group project, okay, at work. And, all well and good.

Debra Coleman [00:04:39]:
Totally love it. You know, I was I was kinda coleading, and it was it you know, we were all sort of leading it. You know, it it wasn't like one person was leading it. We were all, you know, contributing equally. It was great. And I found myself getting more, like, slowly getting a little bit more increasingly frustrated with after at the end of every planning meeting. Like, something isn't setting right with me. Like, I don't feel I'm not walking away from here feeling like, yeah.

Debra Coleman [00:05:07]:
We accomplished so much, or, yeah, I really, like, held my own. I found myself walking away wishing I had said this or that didn't we didn't cover everything. And that's because I didn't speak up and say, hey. We need to think about this or this is another thing or we ignored this bullet point. I think we should circle back. I did none of that. And I just went along with the flow and I didn't speak up when I felt moved to. And that is a % on me.

Debra Coleman [00:05:39]:
Now I think I don't, if I had to guess, I would say that I felt like I maybe was surrounded by, people who were more alpha than me, I guess, to bed, put, to put it, to put it that way. Like, you know how you feel that way sometimes when you're in in together in a group and are meeting and people are, like, firing on all cylinders and you really kinda feel like, you know what? I'm the beta here, so I'm just gonna, like, chill. And sometimes that's necessary. Sometimes for the sake of sanity, right, and and personal boundaries, staying silent, it it can be a good thing. Like, kinda just, like, taking it all in and maybe holding your tongue until, like, the next time or until you feel more empowered or it's the right time. So what I'm saying is looking back, all those planning meetings was absolutely the right time. And I should have and I felt empowered, but then it stopped. Like, I didn't vocalize.

Debra Coleman [00:06:35]:
It stopped with my it I felt empowered in my heart and in my head, and then it stopped when it came to, like, actually vocalizing it. And I'm I'm gonna be honest with you. I was very disappointed in myself. Like, I was wagging my finger at myself saying, why didn't you say this? Next time, you need to speak up and say something because blank blank blank. Right? But I didn't. So this entire time, right, we're planning this thing, and I just keep I mean, like, I'm talkative in the meeting, but I'm not being truly forthcoming and honest with some thoughts or some ideas or whatever. I just I held back. And maybe there was some subconscious reason for that.

Debra Coleman [00:07:11]:
Maybe in the grand scheme of things, it was, like, the the smarter play to not be so vocal. But, I mean, I believe I I'll give that, like, 20%. Right? But 80% of me was like, shame on you. You should have spoken up. You know better than that. Right? So that is my little, like, I'm coming clean to y'all. I know I I know I lecture, but with love about communicating and holding that, you know, close, you know, hold staying on to that and feeling empowered. And I just want you to know, I absolutely believe in that.

Debra Coleman [00:07:41]:
I failed myself though recently, and I'm not really happy about that. So I will do better. And now that, you know, I obviously know better, but I will do better moving forward. And in a weird way, I guess it was good that I experienced that because that has now motivated me to not feel like that again. In order for me to not feel ew after meetings like that, then what's the solution? The solution is to feel empowered enough to follow through and say something, you know, not just to talk to talk, but to actually like, you know, positively contribute to the communication or positively positively communicate and add to the discussion. Right? And I should have just trusted myself and believed in myself. If I could have, like, had a matrix moment and just, like, sat next to myself in the in the meeting, I would have, like, elbowed myself and said, girl, talk. What do you why are you holding back? You know you know what they're say something.

Debra Coleman [00:08:34]:
Right? So that is my that is my come clean moment as we begin this quick quick episode on communication. So but I have to say moving forward, like, in like, that was just one scenario these last couple weeks. One one, you know, one instance. But I do wanna, like, flip it a little bit and say, but there are there were there was another incident, where I didn't do that. I actually held court. Like, I held my own. Now this time, it wasn't, like, in a live meeting. It was through an email communication chain.

Debra Coleman [00:09:10]:
It wasn't initiated by me. You know, it was we're talking about, you know, again, this ongoing project people were weighing in. And at one point, I'm like, okay. This is incorrect information. This is incorrect information flow. I need to course correct here. I need to fill people in on what's going on. So I did the famous reply all, and I started to just hammer out this response.

Debra Coleman [00:09:31]:
And the reason why I'm sharing this with you and the reason why I'm low key proud of myself, and and, yes, email is a form of communication, friends. It is. And and it's not a cop out way. I know you may be thinking, yeah, but you just had to type something. But no. Seriously, it can be just as powerful. Words on, quote paper. You know, the written word can be just as powerful as the verbal word as the my past episode with Aaron Labax clearly identified.

Debra Coleman [00:09:58]:
If you missed it, go check it out. But so I responded, and I responded, like, I did one brain dump, one, like, emotional brain dump. And then I went back and I cleaned it up. Yes, with the help of AI, just for grammatical and for tone and to make sure, like, okay. Am I coming across with clarity here? What I did though in terms of cleaning up is I took my personal out of it, and here's where the communication aspect comes in. Was my goal here to be I had to ask myself, okay. Read read what you just typed out, like your first go round. Is your goal here to be an emotional train wreck and to dump all of your thoughts and feelings into this email? Or is your goal to state the facts clearly, remove the personal from it, and just be like, k.

Debra Coleman [00:10:47]:
This is why this is incorrect, and let me tell you. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Right? I once I asked myself for me, that's how I process. You may process it differently.

Debra Coleman [00:10:57]:
But once I put those two scenarios in front of me, I knew exactly the path I wanted. No. This wasn't a bitch fest. You know, this wasn't to exude my authority or it wasn't an ego trip. This actually needed to be more factual and just this this this. Like, with my with Deb's personality completely taken out of it, so to speak. Right? So I leaned more into let's just you know, it needs to be this this this, take the emotional out of it and just state why this is incorrect, why this information is correct, and we're going down a slippery slope. Let's course correct.

Debra Coleman [00:11:29]:
Let's come back, and this is why. Right? So that's what I did. And I did it again and I did it again. Like, I refined it, refined it a few times to where I was actually really happy with the final result. And basically, what it was, not to get, like, into too many details, but, again, I had to course correct the thinking, the track because we were getting off track. Things were being said that weren't necessarily true in terms of the project, and I was and I had to kinda bring everybody back and tell them, no. This is what. This is what and this is what.

Debra Coleman [00:12:00]:
So I was pretty proud of myself that I did that. And I'll tell you, the response back was like, thank you for clarifying, Deborah. Thank you for that explanation, Deborah. I understand now, Deborah. I I thought it was this way, but now it's this way. So the feedback I received was spot on. I mean, I'm very happy that my message was received, and I, you know, I'm very proud of myself that I took a beat, and I reframed and reformatted and came at it from a factual point of view and not an emotional point of view. And I'm so happy factual point of view and not an emotional point of view.

Debra Coleman [00:12:28]:
And I'm so happy really also that I brought some clarity and that hopefully folks really did mean what they say and they understood better now on what the whole scenario is. Right? And and how to we can better move forward keeping the main facts in line. Right? And then the third example of that I'm kinda, like, proud of myself in, again, was in an email format, where I was being questioned on some of my, responsibilities and some of the tasks I had completed, some of the things that were falling under my lap. I was being questioned, and not in a nice way. It was like, why are you doing this? Why are you doing it that way? I thought this would have been done already kind of vibe. Right? You know how we get some of those sometimes where you're like, is this person for real? Are you seriously coming at me like this? So usually, you know, I would have been like, oh, you know, the old me would have backpedaled like a son of a bitch and been like, Oh, no, my bad. Duh, duh, duh. Not today, friends.

Debra Coleman [00:13:30]:
What'd I say? And like a lion? Literally, I fired back again, cleaned it up, gave myself some space. You know, I didn't answer right away. I get I waited a couple hours, hammered out a reply, and then went back and refined it, you know, made it courteous, made it professional, but, you know, still with my flavor in it. Basically, I I I like mm-mm. No. No. No. No.

Debra Coleman [00:13:54]:
No. Not to no. This is actually what I've been working on. This is the these these are my action items. These are my deliverables. This is what's happened so far. These are facts. And, yes, I did CC you on the bulk of these communications, so why you're confused right now is a little unsettling.

Debra Coleman [00:14:14]:
But here we are. Right? That was the tone that I chose to go with because honestly, this was, this was really rubbing me the wrong way and I really wanted to course correct. And in the moment, I wanted to be professional and courteous, but I also wanted to like kind of put my foot down and say, not today. You're not coming at me like this. You know? So I was pretty proud of myself that I held my own. I kept it professional, but I also stood firm and I didn't say that dreaded. I'm sorry. Oh, or I apologize if there was any confusion.

Debra Coleman [00:14:44]:
No, bitch. No. There is no confusion. If you were paying attention, you would have understood a, b, c, d. Right? So that was the tone I took. Again, professionally and courteously, of course, always. But, you know, between you and me and the fence post, I can get a little sassy, you know? So I kept it I kept it high level with a little bit of my personality in there. Like, so in the future, if you have any questions, please come to me directly instead of assume me.

Debra Coleman [00:15:08]:
Right? That kind of a tone. I wasn't afraid. Uh-uh. No. No. No. No. No.

Debra Coleman [00:15:13]:
Okay. So and then the third scenario is sort of it's future focused. So I did past. I did present. Now I'm doing future with you really quickly. I have to have a somewhat difficult conversation during my upcoming midyear review, with the director the senior director that I report to currently. Yeah. I say currently because with, like, quotes around it, and I say currently with a major eye roll and with major sarcasm.

Debra Coleman [00:15:40]:
So please read it that way because there has been so much twisty turny, reorgs going on where I'm work that it's just extra. I'll just say it's been a little extra. And for the past, twelve months or so, to be honest, I've just sort of, like, plastered a smile on my face. I was, like, you know, team player all the way, you know, under going with the flow with all these reorgs and changes and reporting structures and yada. Just like, okay. You know what? I I've gotta be an example. I need to just, you know what, think positively, turn it around. You got this.

Debra Coleman [00:16:18]:
You're going with this. It's not these things happen all the time. You know, all of that sort of, like, you know, encouraging self talk that you give yourself. Well, there is something that happened recently that I was like, it just, it really just like put me over the edge because it was just lately, it's just been a shotgun of changes with really in my view, no real like empathy or compassion with those that it's affecting. I understand changes happen totally. You know, it happens. Right. But for them to happen in such quick succession and for them to happen so frequently, I mean, honestly, in the last six months there's been like, anyway, in higher education, I'm sorry, but in my world, in higher education, that is very rare.

Debra Coleman [00:17:02]:
So for this to be happening like this in the manner and and, execution, it's in I'm just gonna be honest with you, friends. It is completely unprofessional in my book. Completely unprofessional. So, again, last twelve months, I've been, like, the good little soldier. Okay. Yay. Yay. Yay.

Debra Coleman [00:17:22]:
But I have a midyear coming up next week, and I have no a note page of notes, that I'm gonna bring up. And I'm just going to have to find my brave and have this conversation even though it's gonna be difficult for me to say, and probably difficult for my senior director to hear. I need to do like, I need to do this. I don't wanna give specifics now, but maybe in a future episode, I will dive into it a little bit. And the only reason being because I wanna give you, like, what happened. Right? So I wanna give you the complete whole story. So I I will circle back on this to give you, like, how did it end? You know? How close the loop. But for the sake of this conversation, I just wanna, touch on the fact that sometimes we are faced with difficult conversations.

Debra Coleman [00:18:06]:
And even though we we may not want to have it, it it needs to have. It needs to happen. Like, I don't want, actually, I lie. I want to have this conversation. It's been long overdue, and other people have been speaking on my behalf. Other people have been speaking when I haven't been in the room. And as well intentioned as I'm sure that is and believe me, I know you know what I mean? I I do. I I I can say that much.

Debra Coleman [00:18:32]:
Like, I'm sure it you know, it comes with well well meaning, but I'm tired of taking a back seat and finding out things like after after after after the fact without even being asked to weigh in. So I'm realizing that I'm gonna have to have this conversation, and I'm going to I mean, I can't wait for the door to be open to have this conversation. I'm going to have it during a midyear review. I'm I really don't even wanna talk about my midyear, quite frankly, because in my opinion, there isn't anything to talk about. What I need to talk about is what I wanna talk about, which is how I want things to be one, how I want things to move forward. Yeah. I said it. How I am strongly suggesting things move forward in respond in regards to my career path with this organization.

Debra Coleman [00:19:21]:
It's my career path. So naturally, I'm gonna have some strong opinions on it. So right? I don't I'm not asking permission for this conversation. I'm just having it. So that's what I mean by difficult conversations. It may not be something that we, like, wake up. I wanna have a difficult conversation today. Yay.

Debra Coleman [00:19:40]:
Me. No. But sometimes they are just necessary. They're necessary to establish boundaries. They're necessary to reestablish your authority. They're necessary to empower you. And let's face it. They're necessary to wake the other person the fuck up that you are not here to play games.

Debra Coleman [00:19:56]:
This is your livelihood. This is your career path. This is your career journey, and you are owning it, and they are gonna just take two seconds out of their goddamn day and listen to you. I'm sorry for the colorful language, but that's the vibe. Like, that's that's how I'm approaching this. I'm not gonna be mean. Don't please don't think that. Like, I'm absolutely going to be respectful because I understand that the individual I'm talking to, it doesn't all lay at their feet.

Debra Coleman [00:20:20]:
Right? It's not all a % their fault. Right? It's just as my direct report. Okay? You need to be told some things. You need to be I need to share some things with you. And I'm not I just have to, like, for my own sense of self talk, say you're not gonna apologize for anything. You're gonna come on with authority, with affirmations, and with with strength. End of story. You know? And everybody else seems to be able to come at me that way, so why can't I return the favor? Right? So, anyway, I will let you know how it goes, but this is just to say, I understand that difficult conversations have to happen.

Debra Coleman [00:20:57]:
Tough conversations have to happen along our career journey. And some of them are conversations that we just aren't prepared for or we weren't anticipating having. But in looking at it, like, from a 30,000 foot view, you're you realize, you know what? In order for me to go on with any sort of, like, mental clarity and, I I just I have to have this conversation. It's not gonna be fun, but it's necessary. Right? So I am here to tell you, you've got this. If that is if you're in a similar situation, I know they're they're called tough conversations for a reason. Right? And there you go. And really, that's all I wanted to kinda talk about.

Debra Coleman [00:21:35]:
I mean, communication, it matters. And I just kinda wanted to share with you those three incidences. You know, one where I failed myself and I didn't come through because I did my lack of communication. It got me. Right? I was bit by my own monster, that I preach about all the time. And then currently, what I did to kind of, like, course correct that, how I stood my ground, and it actually worked out. You know? It really did. So I'm here to tell you it it can work when this if the if it's the right circumstance and the right information flow and you have the right audience and you do it in a way that's authentic to you, while still maintaining, you know, your professionalism, many times it can work.

Debra Coleman [00:22:18]:
It it can have a positive outcome. Right? May not be a %, but, gosh, at this point, I like, I can't claim a % outcome, but I can claim that was a 90% successful communication attempt on my part, you know, because I got everyone's attention. I feel good about myself that I course corrected, that I set the record straight, so to speak, with facts. I took my emotions out of it, and I and I, you know, I let I let it lead me. Right? So I felt pretty good about that presently. And then coming up in the future, as early as next week, friends, I am going to have to have a communique a conversation that will be a little more challenging. You know, not quite so sunshine and rainbows, a little bit more reality and ass kicking, but that's okay too. Right? That's okay too.

Debra Coleman [00:23:04]:
Communication makes up all of these things. That's what communication is. It's a way we communicate both verbally, in writing, in person, and absolutely non verbally as well. The way we stand, the way we hold our arms with you're like me and you use your hands to talk. Right? The way your eyes are, the way your attention span is, the tilt of your head, the way you're standing, like, all of it. The way you nod in acknowledgment. Are you listening? Are your are your thoughts wandering? Like, communication is all of that and more. And I've spoken about all of this stuff before, so I won't bore you with repeating myself.

Debra Coleman [00:23:37]:
But I just wanted to take a few minutes to hop on the mic because it was something that is was front of mind for me this week as as I've noticed that I'm having kind of these, like, whirlwind of conversations. It's sort of like a past, present, and future vibe. Hey. Maybe my listeners might wanna hear a little bit about this too. So, anyway, I hope that helped a little bit. Again, this was just a quick share. I know, you know, having tough conversations or even communicating up to others and making sure that our messages land the way we intend them to can it can be hard. And it and it can be hard to have some of those real conversations or to be real yourself, right, and to show a little bit of your personality and your thoughts.

Debra Coleman [00:24:21]:
Because communication isn't just about talking. It's not just about the words you say or the content that you're talking about. It can also absolutely be about talking effectively, like, effectively getting your point across, effectively connecting the dots for others or for yourself, and being possibly that bridge between, you know, maybe you and a team member or you and your executive or you and external stakeholders. Like, so it it can mean all of that. And I recognize that it's tough and I recognize that I lecture a lot about it. And so I wanted to just hop on the mic today to share a little bit of how I'm doing, you know, kinda do a check-in with my communications game and to share that, you know what? I'm not perfect with it either. I definitely struggle. But when I do sort of, like, own it a little bit and find my brave that it actually can work again under the right circumstances and in your own way.

Debra Coleman [00:25:17]:
Your communication style may look completely different than mine, and that is a % the way it should be. Right? But I just hope in whatever way you choose to communicate with, you know, an individual, with a team member, or or however you choose to do it, if you have it coming up, I hope that it is successful in the way you wanted it to be successful. As long as you walked away going, you know what? I said what I had to say. I gave it my best shot. I'm pretty proud of that moment. Sit with that and own it because chances are you're a % right. You know, a % right. So, I mean, in terms of like sharing, you were right to share.

Debra Coleman [00:25:51]:
You were right to communicate. Alright. So and I say that because, lastly, because as administrative support professionals or executive operations professionals, many times we our go to is to stay silent just for the sake of, like, whatever, you know, saving face, keeping the peace, whatever it is. And I agree. Sometimes that is the name of the game. Sometimes that's the best play is to hold back and then maybe let loose later. I mean, you know, share later. Maybe it's at a different meeting.

Debra Coleman [00:26:23]:
Maybe it's in a different conversation with a different audience. So I do I do I do that myself. Like, sometimes I'll be like, you know what? This isn't the time. Let me wait. And I can't really explain why, but it's like the vibe or the tone or maybe even the content. I'm like, you know what? That would be a legitimate share on my end, but I'm just gonna hold off a minute. I'm just let me just give it let me think on it. You know? And that's perfectly fine too.

Debra Coleman [00:26:44]:
That's a win in my book. So anyway alright. I hope you enjoyed I hope you enjoyed my little, share on communications and what I've been going through with it lately. And as always, you know the homework assignment. Stay safe, be well, and remember, keep having what? Those conversations. As always, you will find a link to the have a seat website in the show notes. Feel free to visit where you will find more, you know, earth shattering insights from yours truly in the form of solo episodes. But even more importantly, you will find fantastic conversations with all of the fabulous women that I have had the pleasure and honor of interviewing.

Debra Coleman [00:27:27]:
So there is a whole catalog of of shows to choose from on so many wonderful and empowering comp topics. So choose one and take a listen. Alright, friends. Thank you so much. As always, have a beautiful week, and, we'll see you in the next one. Alright. Take care.